It’s almost gut-wrenching.
I always know this time of year brings questions, confusion and more sorrow for those that loved you. I can barely even begin to imagine what they experience.
The other day, another article and your beautiful face showed up on my Facebook timeline and I was so taken aback by my physical reaction. I completely lost my breathe and for a second forgot all aspects of time and space and simply sat staring at my computer screen.
Not in awe. In anger. Like a sleeping giant, my blood became so heated that at any moment I expected it to evaporate from my pores.
When I think about you, I still can’t fathom your last moments on this earth. And I am left pleading, How Dare You! How dare you, as a mere human being, assume the sovereign power of taking someone’s life. How Dare You…
When you left us, there was absolutely NO question in my mind what #HaveFaith meant to me.
It meant that I believed wholeheartedly that the person who took you from us was going to be brought to justice. Every part of my being was consumed with this belief. Every news article. Every piece of evidence. Every new comment only helped to justify what I had faith in, they would be caught. I had so much faith in that.
Today. Almost three years later, I do not doubt that faith, but I question if that is all that I have now.
For so long my “#HaveFaith” rested in the power of ‘man’. Man being the police, the authorities… Anyone who had some sort of power to bring to justice those that took you. For so long, my faith rested in them. Yes, I did pray. But now, three years later, I pray in a starkly different way.
I spent the last two years praying for justice, praying for a conviction, praying for someone to come forward, praying for God to send the authorities to the perpetrator(s)… ONLY to realize that this praying was exhausting me. Not because I was not confident in MY God’s power to bring about that justice but because I put too much faith in man.
No conviction. No new leads. No sentencing. Nothing. Around this time last year the Lord guided me to redirect my prayers for you.
“Leslie, you spend so much time waiting for an earthly conviction.” I was so frustrated and upset. To be honest, I wanted someone in jail. I wanted someone to blame. It was physically and mentally exhausting to think about this.
Something had to change.
And then I was reminded:
It is better to trust in the Lord than to put confidence in man. -Psalm 118:8
Put not your trust in princes, nor in the son of man, in whom there is no help. -Psalm 146:3
That your faith should not stand in the wisdom of men, but in the power of God.-1 Corinthians 2:5
So my dear Faith, three years later, losing you has been no less painful but I hope that after these three years that we can turn our hearts and thoughts away from the power of man and instead to the power of God. Your smile, your laugh, your character and your internal beauty are amazing reminders of the presence you had on earth and now in Heaven. You will never be forgotten because you live eternally in so many people’s hearts.
So yes, I do still #HaveFaith but instead, I have faith in my God and his power to heal, bring peace and also bring justice on his own accord. May we always remember,
Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord. -Romans 12:19
Three years later, I give way to God’s wrath and his will for those that have taken you from us. I seek to heal my heart and instead to dwell on the many things about you that were right, pure, lovely and admirable.
I love you, sister.
I miss you.